3/29/04
By David Scott
BSMW Columnist

Hoops
And, me? I call it my “I would never use Cingular in my whole freakin’ life because they can’t make a decent commercial” PLAN. . .Jim Nantz did bring up the Packer/Martelli non-issue once again during Saturday night’s second half of the St. Joe’s game. I suppose if he didn’t, they would have been accused of ignoring it. And since he did bring it up, I ignored it anyways. . .That game, by the way, will prove to be the best of the ’04 Tournament, I do believe. . . If the Xavier folks really want us to know its ZAY-vee-yer, and not ECKS-zay-vee-yer then spell it with a Z. Which is how we’ll do it forthwith, herewith. Zavier. . .Get ready for Baby Samuel Calhoun shots throughout next weekend’s Final Four. The Eye couldn’t blink on Baby Sammy on Grammy’s lap during Saturday’s yawner over shell-shocked ‘Bama. . . Zavier got hosed when Anthony Myles was fouled out on two quickies with more than half the second half to play. . . Speaking of officiating, you can’t stop Teddy Valentine, you can only hope to contain him. Which is not something you should be saying about a major-level ref. . . The thoughtful man will be pulling for Eddie Sutton, and it’s hard to argue – unless you bring up those old, buried Kentucky bones. But I got to know Paul Hewitt for a minute or two when I was a devoted MAAC follower and he’s one of the kindest gentlemen in the college game today. . . Those were, indeed, the deep, gruff intonations of one Howie Davis as he masterfully led the St. Joe’s post-game presser at the Meadowlands. Credit ESPNEWS for staying with the entire Hawk student-athlete AND coach Q and A. . . Did I just type that ESPNEWS deserves credit? Oh no. They’ve got me too. . .How great is Oak State’s president, David Schmidly for assuming the role of the tie-wearing, bathrobe kid when said kid had to go for a law school interview which coincided with the Cowboys’ Thursday night win? My primary goal for San Antonio is to interview that young man. Primary writing goal, that is. Mostly I’ll be looking for free beer. . . . Oh, and I’m going to have a cold one with the “Ride ‘em Cowboy Girls.” If they’re of age, of course. . . Admit it, you were pulling for the Hawks, weren’t you? Don’t worry, Phil Martelli will find his way in front of a camera on the River Walk. . . Separated at birth screen-mates Golly Gee Seth Davis and Golly Gee Coach K shared time on-camera over the weekend, leading to the inevitable question: How long have they been cloning in Durham?. . . Ever since I got dumped by a Dukie this Winter, my Blue Devil mean-streak has been reincarnated. Which is a definite upshot of Scott’s Shots’ tragic, failed romance No. 84. . . With crappy, pitiful lines like that I should be trying to write for God-awful Cargo magazine: Queer shopping for the unknowing guy. . .I don’t want to be the one to tell NBA-folks about their business, but I’d be thinking Emeka Okafor might not make it through his physical without getting injured. . . I’m still having trouble figuring out why the keys in Atlanta were painted to represent the Terror Alert Color Coding System for both the SEC Tourney and the NCAAs? Someone call Richard Clarke.

Radio Ga Ga
Barnicle needs to bring a little of his radio edge to the Herald’s pages, wouldn’t you say?. . . Kevin Grevey was doing Westwood One games the other night and I was thinking, hmmmm, Gminski, Grevey and Goukas – G3. I was also thinking my man Jeff Ruland should strongly consider getting in on the action once he hangs up the whistle. Rules is funnier than any of ‘em and more blunt than a frat house Sensor. . . Did someone say Schenscher? . . . A hearty Mazel Tov to Boston Radio Rabbi Eddie Andelman on the marriage of little Danny to a Jersey Girl, Alison Beth Litt. (This marks the second consecutive week where the New York Times “announcements” page has given fodder for the Scott’s Shots cannon. Amazing.)

Sunday Night Shows
Once Steve Burton got over his dismay at the use of a jet by some Red Sox players (Lowe, Schilling) to get to longer-distance games this week, he was able to show a lengthy, but blasé Manny Ramirez dugout interview. Globie Gordon Edes gave plaudits for the length of time Burton got with Manny, but quantity didn’t equal quality in this case. Burton also ran the Pedro tape from his post-game defense of both his pride and velocity. It was old news with no value added from Edes or Burton. . . Gary Gillis contributed another nice piece to help Sports Xtra along, featuring the Harvard women’s hockey team’s loss to Minnesota. . . Wendi Nix was in Florida and got some more Time with Tito but not enough time to suit the show’s overall needs. Wendi needs to host Xtra sooner rather than later. Sorry, Joe. . . Amorosino actually tried to get Jackie Mack to admit she had a crush on Tito. It was pitiful. . . The only way to make this heading truly worth staying up for a delayed-start Sports Final is to include Sopranos commentary in addition to the Sunday Sports shows reviews. . . I would have shaved AJ’s whole damn head. The kid’s a punk and if that’s how he thinks you take a hit off a gravity bong, I got some news for mini-Soprano. . . Geek Boy was awfully frisky with Meadow. He must have seen advance tape of the Heidi Fleiss movie. . . Lawrence Taylor and David Lee Roth on the same episode? That’s historical in my book. . . Feetch got what he deserved – and it’s insult is compounded by the fact he was duped by Anthony and Doogie Howser’s old buddy. . . I’m so over-basketballed that I thought I saw Freddy Adu and Lesley Stahl discussing spin the bottle on “60 Minutes.” . . . Dennis Wolff served as Sports Final college hoops expert again and picked a UConn-Ga. Tech final with a Huskies national title coming on the strength of its outside shooting.

Shaughnasty
How happy am I to be Alamo-bound for the Final Four at the end of the week? Apparently happy enough to say that Danny Boy’s Sunday column on the Tito Francona baseball mitt was well worth the read. See what happens when you get out of the way and let the quotes help your column along, DB?. . . Wow, that was almost painless. These happy pills are kickin’ it for me.

Lupicatharsis – Purging the system of the whiny scribe’s repeated annoyances
Just after a promo for last night’s Dream Job, where jovial Al Jaffe states his disdain for mis-pronunciation by staffers, Mikey appeared on the Sunday morn Sports Reporters and said “ECKS-zay-vee-yer.” If Jaffe’s a man of his word, that’s grounds for getting rid of The Lip Sore.

Pokey for VP
Can you imagine the Democrats putting forth a Gumby Kerry and Pokey Reese ticket to battle Bush and Cheney? I can. And will. I knew it form the moment I saw Pokey in Fort Myers and the kind fella from the Po-dunk South Carolina Times (or its sister publication) came to town to get hometown hero, Pokey’s thoughts on being with the Sox. Pokey made the guy feel like he was family. It was beautiful, man. Beautiful. This guy’s a unifier, I’m telling you.

Boxing
Larry Merchant was back in brain freeze, painfully slow, extrapolation mode for Saturday night’s HBO card which showcased a middleweight that’d make Hagler proud – Jermain Taylor. Even the extra patient and considerate Jim Lampley could be seen nodding off as Merchant stretched 30 words over about 30 minutes. Is there such a thing as being concussed from second-hand punches? Merchant might be a good clinical study subject. . . Merchant also awkwardly asked Taylor in the post-fight interview, “Do you have a name for your jab?” Yeah, he calls it ‘Snookums,’ Lar. Odd stuff.

Celts
Must. Remove. Leprechaun Boy. MUST. REMOVE. . . Yes, that’s a sure sign I took in the Celts Friday night with fellow Peabody-ite Scott Kennedy. Two smart Tanners like us were able to find the answer to many of the Celts’ issues at the bottom of one very tall Michelob Ultra (not as bad as I would have thought, by the way). Mostly we just plotted ways to get rid of Leprechaun Boy. We also believe, in case Danny Ainge cares, that unicycle girl, Krystal Niu, should have her own reality TV show, where she teaches aspiring bowl-flippers including Willy Maye and Laprechaun Boy – who could hopefully plunge to a Leprechaun death from 20 feet above the Parquet. Maybe you had to see her to appreciate it. Try checking her out at: http://www.wolfpackentertainment.com/RedPandaF.htm you won’t regret it.

Rawhide
I’d say Don O is ready for the regular season, wouldn’t you? RemDog too, of course, but I worry about him having to play through back pain. And I’m asking early for a special invite to the Green Monster Game broadcast this year. I’ll be the hot dog runner or whatever you need. Sean? Help me out here, will ya?. . . Bill Littlefield got it all right with his Boston Globe mag cover story. Now get back on the radio, pal, and leave the writing to Pierce. . . Looks like UPN38 was able to sell its pre-game Sox show to hotels.com, which should ensure luxurious lodgings at Motel 8’s for all UPNers, including Sgt. Friday. They’ll leave the light on.

Rants and Raves
Isn’t the credibility of Dream Job compromised when LaVar Arrington isn’t present for the finale? He might have saved Maggie ya know? Could’ve happened. . . Credibility? Compromised? It was reality TV, what does it matter? Please, Tony K, jump off the ship if there’s Dream Job II. Your fans demand it. You should demand it. . . I mean, if the Pope says it, it’s got to be worth heeding, right? The guy seems to have solid control of all his faculties, I’d say. So, to honor his request, I will never again watch hockey on Sundays. But, Pontiff, football IS my religion, so I can’t ignore that. . . Just a scheduling update for those who care: I’ll do a regular column for Friday and then file daily from San Antonio starting with a Saturday column (through Tuesday) and culminating in a Best Of the Final Four for next Thursday. It’ll be a lot like the Spring Training musings, without the Maroon Mustang.
-30-

David Scott is a freelance sports writer based in Hull, MA and can be reached at david@bostonsportsmedia.com