By David Scott
BSMW Columnist

Hoops
If you fell asleep before the Jim Nantz, Billy Packer and Phil Martelli post-game interview, I’m sworn to secrecy by the CBS poobahs. But put it this way, Coutrney Love’s chest has nothing on Martelli’s. Packer didn’t quite eat his crow, but he was over-praising the Hawks throughout the game. . .Martelli got it right when he said: “We might not look these teams (UConn or Oklahoma State), but we can play like them.”. . . I spent the early evening yesterday trying to find the top five water polo players in the world so I could take that smarmy protein chemistry kid up on his offer to name the Top 5. End result: There aren’t five water polo players in the world. . . Bobby Brown wuz framed. He thought his bills were paid. . . I might be all out of Seth Davis jokes. Can that be?. . Oh no – I almost forgot, it was great to see Best Damn Sports Show’s Chris Rose killing Dukie Davis for his picks of Stanford and Gonzaga and DD having to take the insult from the smug, little Rose. It’s sort of like being insulted by Richard Simmons. . .Any one willing to suggest and provide digits or letters of fun, single women in San Antonio will be rewarded with the Final Four Trinket of Merit upon our return. Said women must be of age (any will do); willing to drink PBR in a can (16 ounce); and adhere to the tenet: What happens at the Alamo, stays at the Alamo. Apply below. . Shameless, I know. But it got me thinking after this past Sunday NY Times had a wedding announcement of a couple that met sharing a cab in Manhattan. Strange, strange things happen, clearly. . . Percy has decided to double his bet on Texas should the Longhorns get past the Matta Men. ‘Hook ‘em horns,’ he barks. ‘Hook ‘em horns.’. . .Percy also officially dropped out of obedience school last night but we’ve arranged to have it appear as an INC on his transcript. Jimmy Harrick Jr. said it’s all under control. . ESPN and Boston’s own Andy Katz was reporting last night that Andy Katz was reporting Gene Keady might be leaving Purdue. Or, Katz reported, he might be staying. And, he also reported that ESPN’s Steve Lavin seemed to have settled on his Boilermaker staff right on down to the student managers. . . Why would Keady go to San Fran? All I can figure the Bay Area’s Chinatown has a little sumpin’ sumpin’ over West Lafayette’s version (also known as Purdue Wok). . . Our Chicago Spy wanted to make sure the Globe’s Peter May was given a huzzah or two for his attendance at Sonny Vaccaro’s EA Roundball practice in Chicago, where the top high schoolers were Arlo Guthrie inspected, dejected and rejected by scores of NBA-types. While the NBA knows full well about such events, the national media has been slow to catch on. Good for PMay and we’ll look forward to some good Sunday reading in the near future. In the interim, here’s one man’s thoughts on the levels of dirtiness inherent at such “events.” Sonny V: A man I’ve come to understand and appreciate. He is the kind of businessman you want on your side, which is why Reebok is about to start making some real noise, real soon. Don’t sleep on Sonny, I’m telling you that much. High Schoolers: Unlike Ty Law, some of these guys actually will be providing food for their families. If there are men like Danny Ainge, Larry Bird and Rod Thorn who will authorize payroll to cut LARGE checks in my name, I’m not going to argue with their supreme judgment. College Basketball: early entries don’t matter as much as the sound-byte guys would have you believe. The game adapts, programs adapt and more Nevadas, Gonzagas and St. Joe’seses (proper grammar not practiced here) emerge. Agents: This is perfect for the Arn Tellem-types – it gets them farther away from the NCAA (read: rules) when there are these straight-to-the-pros youngsters. By the way, do yourself a favor and seek out ADRIAN WOJNAROWSKI’s column from Thursday’s Bergen Record on same subject. Woj is one of the best – check him whenever you want a good, level-headed take on something everyone else is crying “Wolf” over. . . And don’t be afraid to soak in some of Michael Morrissey’s East Rutherford coverage over at newyorkpost.com. He’s taking a spring break from Spring Training and that’s good for college hoops fans. Braintree representin’, as the kids wouldn’t say. The Post, if you need to know, is calling Kobe’s accuser Miss X and showed her backside on the front page yesterday. How creative. . . Did you catch West Coast-based, Alex Flanagan, who was reporting from Lakers camp for ESPN on Wednesday? I think I almost wanted to hear more about La-la land’s Team Soap Opera. Of course it would need to be with Alex on screen and her pony tail tamely flung over her left shoulder. . . Now that, my friends is sports media criticism at its finest. Or lowest. . It’s sort of cool to see Jim Boeheim’s personality. Odd, but cool. . .. USA Today’s Wednesday A1 cover story broke down the college basketball gambling in Las Vegas these few weeks and put the legal money wagered at $85 million. But the story played more as a lifestyle feature for the purple section than the serious issue piece it should have/could have been. One of the three brief sidebars mentioned the FBI’s and NCAA’s assessment of the illegal money wagered at $3.5 billion, yet USA Today never even attempted to address the huge game-fixing possibilities, among other inherent problems. (Although BC, Betting College did get a touch alongside Northwestern U. and Arizona Headache Smith State for recent scandals.). . . Hard to say what the worse option for non-NCAA viewers was last night: Figure skating or The Apprentice?. . . My Billy Bob Damon FreeWhiteyBulger entry is hovering in 100th place. Fortunately, Whitey covered me on the entry fee. Kidding, FBI folks . Kidding.

Rawhide
You don’t want A-Rodent to miss any games, trust me. It only follows the Hollywood script if he has a monster year, but is ultimately short of the goal. It’s called tension. Steinbrenner and Lucchino demanded it for the rewrite. . .And Lucchino, if you care, was pretty good with Denky and Cranky in his usual Thursday spot on EewhIners morning abomination, even diffusing the obnoxious, drunk Gloucester fisherman. . .

Pigskin
Ah Ty, is it my turn yet for an interview on the Anger Management Tour?

Basketball Bob
With their season now over, it’s probably a good time for Kevin Stallings to try and book Bob Ryan for the Vandy basketball banquet. They can serve the other white meat with a nice white wine and some white chocolate mousse.

Rants and Raves
This just in: Dream Job’s crotchety curmudgeon, Al Jaffe smiled. . . Correction: Jaffe passed gas. . .Ah, yes, a fart joke for a Friday. Someone call Kimmel. . . I was wondering, does anyone know if Norman Chad has ever been married?. . . One of my adoring New York readers wrote in to call me a “cheap, Simmons knock-off.” I prefer inexpensive. . . I think I’m o.d.ing on the mini-pitas from Trader Joes. I eat them with EVERY meal. . . The Tony Reali Experiment signals the official end of Around the Horn. It used to be awful. Now it’s painfully awful. The Globe should be embarrassed to be associated with it. . .The Bruins still play hockey? Who knew?. . . What, Dennis Freaking Miller, is so G-D funny? Huh? What? Then stop the smirking, okay?. . . No, not bitter, friend. Better. Just better.
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David Scott is a freelance sports writer based in Hull, MA and can be reached at david@bostonsportsmedia.com