By David Scott
BSMW Columnist

Bonds Babbles More
Here was noted Beantown Hater, Baroids Bonds, reacting to more accusations of BALCO affiliations yesterday: “It bothers me when people I don’t even know are saying stuff about me,” Bonds said.
Ah, Barry Bigot, I think I speak for an entire city when I say: “It bothers me when doped-up superstars who don’t even know current-day Boston are saying stuff about my city.” Touche, Bar-ay, now go away.

Hoops
Do the Celtics get Weezie Jefferson thrown in with the Al Jefferson pick? We’re movin’ on up/To the sky. . . Danny Ainge looked like he had just played 30 games of one on one with Delonte West during his Fox Sports Net appearance with the interchangeable GaGreg. Danny said, in full revelation mode, “I like the guys we got.” Oh, that’s interesting. Thanks for your insight. Doc Rivers said, “I don’t baby anyone” and that AJ was a “man-child,” while Delonte West is a “GREAT shooter.”. . .Was Dick Vitale being paid per “potential” mention last night? By the time the 2004 NBA Draft started in earnest at 7:30, Vitale used “potential” a minimum of 764 times. And why couldn’t Dick venture north to be live and in person in New York? The more often you rely on satellites and technology, the more potential for gaffs – as shown. And no one can argue that Vitale is clearly more comfortable on-set than via satellite. . . Good to see Stephen Angry Smith is able to maintain his venom level even in the off-season. . .The “AK-47″, Boston’s own Andy Katz, was rapid-fire with his endless information on various picks. You sense the ESPN producers would be happier if The Daily Word was a bit more concise in his delivery. . .They probably wish the same about me. . .If I’m Jim Harrick, I’m not about to be denying any alleged hirings by any basketball organization. If there’s a team in Vancouver willing to put up with Harrick’s act, he should sprint to the border and get down on his knees and rejoice. His college future doesn’t exist, so he might as well give the ABA a shot. . .It would have been nice if the NBA gave a child’s size hat to Devin Harris – he was overcome by the enormity of his (temporary) Wizards’ cap. . . Tom Tolbert’s chinny, chin, chin hair kept staring at me and snarling. That’s not acceptable, in my view. . . Josh Childress’s mom still has control of the ESPN microphone. Officials in Bristol are negotiating a trade-off involving an autographed picture of Hank Greenberg. . . Cheyenne Araujo should have been taken ahead her husband, Rafael (Toronto). She’s got an NBA body herself. . . Impressive work by my guy, Fran Fraschilla, who was used to comment on the Internationals and wound up being the telecast’s MVA – Most Valuable Analyst – hands down. Franny does his homework and needs to see an expanded role at the Network this coming college hoops season. He clearly has practiced, honed and refined his new craft. Now he should be rewarded. . .F-Squared was on top of Golden State’s Andris Biedrins pick (among others) all the way back in April when he lent his expertise to the Sports Illustrated Kids preview I was working on. He’ll be getting a call again next year around the same time, he can be sure. . .Vitale signed off at 10:45, but was able to give his travel itinerary through 2007 before saying good-night. Cracked Tirico: “I thought you were going to get in the Notre Dame football schedule as well.”. . . Jay Bilas presented his info well, and got points for asking, Vitale: “Is there any high school or international player you’ve ever liked?” Vitale shot back, “LeBron.”. . .Nice of David Stern to turn back the clock with a Seattle SUPER Sonics reference on the Robert Swift pick. Swift, by the way, is going to go under the tutelage of Jack Sikma according to AK-47 – can’t help but think Swift will wind up being a bankrupt man’s Sikma. . .What a surprise to see Phil Martelli’s mug didn’t make it into any of the Jameer-waits-impatiently-shots. . .If you think I’m commenting on anything past the first round, you’re trippin’ harder than Stephen Angry. But, FYI, the Celts took My Nephew, Jake, with the 40th pick in the second round. . . Actually, the Justin Reed pick (Ole Miss) confirms the Celts are ALL OVER basketball in the state of Mississippi. Nice work, boys. . . The FSN show needs to find a way to remove the “Live” label when it re-broadcasts the 10 p.m. show at 10:30. It’s deceiving and inaccurate. . . . Darren Rovell, the solid business reporter for ESPN and ESPN.com, endured a brutal Bronx cheer during his segment with Tirico just before 11 p.m. (It appeared they were booing the Knicks pick, but with those morons it could have been anything. Rovell also gave adidas a nice plug by displaying a soon-to-be-released moon boot that will have a Sebastian Telfair tie-in.

Sports Guy, BEWARE! DANGER!
No one else is going to do it, probably because most of the so-called sports media critics still haven’t been able to grasp his significance. So, as a service to the Scott’s Shots reader, “Listen now and hear me later”: The Sports Guy – our Sports Guy, the one Boston lent to America – is in severe danger of approaching the ramp, hitting the plywood and jumping the shark. The launch of SG’s new home-page (Internet term, Griff, if you’re either wondering or even still writing) tugged the rope and now it’s up to our Hero, the Dean of Simmons College, to swerve aside and avoid the ramp. (The ramp, as you know, leads to mid-air, and mid-air leads to uncertainty, and uncertainty leads to the Shark’s mouth.) We gave Sim, Sim, Sim Shalom a Mulligan when he tasted Kimmel’s late night stew. That move had doom written on it from the start, but he kept one foot in the ESPN world and sowed some oats and now he’s back. Easy-peasie-Japanese.
But wait – not so easy, and not so peasie. Despite the bad luck of having his ESPN Chat Foil, Ralph Wiley, suddenly pass away, The Simmer and the Disney Landers are now expecting us to visit “Sports Guy’s World.”
As near as we can tell, it’s a world that is very dark with dark fonts on dark backgrounds and lots of dark space (at least that’s how it appears on my admittedly old, Mac G3 with Netscape). Point is, the design lacks design. After the fun Parcells-lookalike caricature (which, we assume was done by Larry Johnson but had no credit thereof), the page was no joy to surf. Maybe it’s still early and the kinks will be worked out. But perhaps, it is a sign of how far removed Simmy is from the presentation and handling of his image. He clearly no longer controls Sports Guy the way he once did. If that caricature winds up being the same type of manipulation that turned Mel Kiper, Dan Patrick, Dick Vitale and Kenny Mayne into Entire Sports Property of the Network, it will also mean the end of Sports Guy as we knew him. . . And you can all save the “you’re a jealous rip-off of SG” emails that inevitably follow any damn mention of Simmer. I respect what he’s done, I enjoy his writing and I also remember him when. . . I ran out of Simmons nicknames pretty quickly, didn’t I?

Between the Lines of Pages
Howard Bryant to the Globe would feel a lot like Curtis Leskanic to the Sox – in other words, “Yeah, and. . . ?” Other than relieving some personality conflicts for the Yellow Boxers, mostly it would dull-down an already dull Green Box sports page. Maybe Gordon Edes wouldn’t have been so bad after all. Or Gordon Gecko, for that matter. . . ESPN either had a major gaff or a major premonition on Monday’s 6 p.m. SportsCenter when the graphic under Michael Smith’s head (during an “Around the Horn” rant), read: “Boston Globe Columnist.” Must’ve been leftover from the old Holley tag line. . .A conspiracy theorist reader claims the Globe will never hire a Boston-born and bred columnist. Not going after Simmons in order to appease Shaughnasty and his thin epidermis lends a bit of credence to the theory. . .If Bryant were to go to the Green Boxer’s, it would open the door Holley’s Boston return, this time to the Heraldo. And the way “Bye, Max” is regressing, Holley will be an exhausted, ink-stained scribe again soon. . . South Shore writing queen, Bella English, offered up a strong Lisa Kapler feature in yesterday’s Globe (Living/Arts, for you Sports/Biz only perusers). Even if Gabey gets dealt, we should keep him and the wife as part of Red Sox nation. Theo’ll take care of it – he keeps it real with the Tribal Folk.

Rawhide
Me? I never wanted Carlos Beltran anyway. Carlos Santana, sure. Beltran? Never heard him live. . .If yesterday’s Red Sox pre-game on NESN had been an ‘EEI show, there very well could have been suspensions handed out. Or at the very least, a public reprimand. But since it was a mid-week, day game and the total viewership amounted to six housewives and me, the comments of Bob Tewksbury, Tom Caron and Eric Frede will be largely ignored. Scott’s Shots loves good humor and, as a former contributor to FHM magazine, I am far from prudish in my comedic tendencies. But when the discussion of a possible move involving Kevin Youkiliswas brought up, it was inexcusable for Tewksie to even joke about cutting “off his head.” Caron kept on with the poor taste and was later bolstered by Frede discussing a “stay of execution,” for the rookie. It’s a figurative term, I understand, but with beheadings becoming the trend in gruesome terrorist techniques, it’s better to leave the Frat House humor on fraternity row. . .Less offensive, but still awfully annoying was the non-comedian Jimmy Dunn’spre-game with a couple of Dunn-abees whose daddy scored them prime tickets to yesterday’s game. Attempting to set up a joke about “twins,” Dunn swung and missed, and then swung and missed again. Yay, Jimmy. Either Dunn has compromising pictures of NESN president and general manager Sean McGrail or he got some sweetheart no-cut deal in the pre-season. . . Even worse, word filtered out this week that the Improv Asylum is going to contribute “Off the Wall” comedy segments to the NESN pre-game. You mean there’s not enough humor when Sam Hornattempts to do a cooking segment with David Ortiz?. . .We would give you more insight into that over-cooked, over-done Chef Poppy package, but Horn outfitted himself and Big Poppy in “SOSH” t-shirts (triple X, we assume). When the NESNers start doing segments in Boston Sports Media tees, we’ll be happy to offer full reviews. . .Bravo to the “Commissioner’s Initiative” which brought Stromotion and Mic’d Up to the NESN telecasts this week. Kevin Millar’ssound bytes were especially priceless yesterday. Still, you can’t help but think that if Bud Selig is going to have any kind of “initiative program,” it should probably have something to do with steroids, not schtick. . . If I don’t get “schtick” into every column, The Shirlcomplains. . . Saturday Night Live’s Seth Myers (the one trick pony with a passable John Kerry imitation) threw out the first pitch yesterday and called Don-O, Jerry and Wally the Bean Bag Green Monster “the best comedy trio in baseball.” He went on to call Don-O, “The OrseDawg,” which begged the question: If Seth Myers is throwing out a first pitch, how far down is Scott’s Shots on the list? What, was, SNL’s Finesse Mitchell booked with a prior commitment to first-pitch at a Little League game?. . . We finally get mono-infected Ben Affleck back to the Left Coast and all of the sudden, we’ve got to deal with Myers – don’t any real guy Hollywood folk like the Sox? I’d take Christian Slater at this point. . . No I wouldn’t. . . Somehow, Sean McDonough was able to do his usual stellar job on ESPN’s Miami/South Carolina baseball contest this week, despite the Gamecocks starting right-hander (and eventual winner), Billy Buckner. “No relation,” McDonough explained. . .How can Danny Boy let an opportunity like that go by the wayside? It was a free and easy Curse column where he could have recycled bits and pieces from past bore-umns.

Pigskin
Waltham’s Lou Schorr, the kind soul who returned Tully Banta-Cain’s Super Bowl ring, reportedly received “autographed pictures of Banta-Cain and has been invited to the Patriots home opener against Indianapolis.” Some times it just doesn’t pay to do the right thing. . . As a service to Schorr (or would it be a Schorr to surface?), Scott’s Shots priced a Banta-Cain autograph on Ebay. With 12 hours remaining, an authentic Banta-Cain autograph (from a May ‘04 card show) had zero bids, but a Buy-it-Now price of $24.99. The Pats-Colts tickets - as if they’d be for sale, of course, wink, wink, Louie - might fetch a few hundred each if they’re decent (we doubt Banta-Cain has access to the Tom Brady seats). . . There’s now a service charge of 10 percent if Louie just read this. Tony Soprano said so.

Scott’s Shots “Un-Sanctioned” Field Trip
For those of you making your way to the strong>Old Ballyard on Saturday, Scott’s Shots is hosting (but not sponsoring) a “BoSox Bloody Mary Drink Up” at The Cask beginning at 10:30. In attendance for the historic event will be Fritzy Albany, father of Freddy Albany, and, of course, Freewheelin’ Freddy Albany, himself. Fred is the same Syracuse alum who screams Tirico’s name at various times for no apparent reason and still claims to be the man who “outed” Dome Eddy. The booze will not be free, but the hilarity and shenanigans will be. . . To locate our party, look for the three guys drinking Bloodies and behaving poorly (if before 11:30 a.m.); or drinking Sierra Pale Ale and behaving poorly (if after 11:30 a.m.). . . Since this is a Phillies weekend, we’re extending the invitation to our new-found Philly readers as well. One stipulation: you need to despise the entire Yankee team, or at a minimum, the left side of their infield. . . Late News into the Scott’s Shots newsroom indicates there could be a once-in-lifetime-opportunity to actually sit with the Scott’s Shot’s contingent during this Saturday’s game. Mini-skirts are encouraged for those wishing to be considered. . . Women, in mini-skirts, that is.

Shaughnasty
Whoa! Danny Boy pulled out Keyser Soze in Thursday’s half-hearted effort to analyze the Celtics draft options. Clearly, the digging to find the proper spelling of Kevin Spacey’s character’s name wiped out our guy. Danny Boy was left to yearn for the days when Red Auerbach would find a keeper buried in the Great Plains or, gosh, a “local yokel” fellow by the name of, GOSH DB – THIS IS REALLY FUN, Cousy. In a nutshell, here’s what DB had to say about the Draft: he knows nothing about the potential picks and instead of trying to find a compelling tale to tell, he fell back on some Red and Heinsohn crap and buried the supposed “news-worthy” aspect of the column that suggested all is not rosy in Green-land. He also managed to throw in a John Carroll nugget about his playoff-bonus, which even after reading it three times, I still don’t understand. Carroll deserved a bonus. And so do we, the Globe’s readers, for putting up with the drivel DB is contributing these days.

Pokey for Vice President
Things are not right in Pokey World and the vice-presidential nomination is starting to look like the Pokester’s left thumb – swollen and contorted. Well-placed sources in campaign manager Wally the Green Monster’s left-field office tell Scott’s Shots that “Kerry saw that Pokey is damaged goods and started to have second thoughts on his second-in-command.” Calls to Kerry’s office were neither made nor returned. Keep that thumb up, Pokey! We’re still with you!

Rants and Raves
It’s just wrong the way you are all laughing at that poor Olsen twin. Not only could she buy and sell each and every one of you, she could chew you up and spit you out as well. . . Sorry. Everyone keeps telling me it’s creepy how much I adore those two, so I’m trying to go in the other direction now. . . Venus Williams was wearing Wilma Flintstone’s old mini-skirt at Wimbledon yesterday, which doesn’t seem very royal to me. . .The game Show Network appears to be on the verge of out-dumbing Spike TV. Staggering, really. Staggering. . .Upset-winner, Karolina Sprem, on the other hand, had a tasteful white mini that hugged the 19-year-old’s curves like a Beemer on a mountain pass. . . Bud Collins doesn’t get in-depth like that, now does he?. . .That’s all for our Wimbledon coverage, folks. We’re still bitter it’s not on HBO, where it belongs. . .Bill Clinton’s sit-down with Scott’s Shots will be televised live on Sunday night. In my mind. How did Larry King get so low in the pecking order? Judge Judy had Wild Bill before The Shouldered One finally got him last night. . . Why’s everyone getting on Tiger’s Caddie? Camera tossing is an integral part of the game’s glorious history, dating way back to its days in Scotland.

David Scott writes from a seaside shanty on the shores of Hull and can be reached at david@bostonsportsmedia.com

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