By David Scott
BSMW Columnist

The Gray Area
Considering that the Jim Gray coup with one-namers Bird, Magic, ‘Melo and ‘Bron was taped in late May, it’s amazing ESPN was able to keep it under wraps for such a (relatively) long period. That doesn’t mean it didn’t get overplayed by the Disney Folk once the transcript from last night’s “Two on Two” was released, it just means the Bristol Bosses had more time to prepare for HOW TO “react” to the “news.” It also led to the unfortunate re-coupling of Bill Simmons and Ralph Wiley for a “Sports Nation: The Show” episode on Wednesday’s afternoon ESPN.com. Sports Guy does not translate as well when “Guy from Guytown” is chiming in via chat with inane comments. But the “broadcast” wasn’t only structurally impaired, it was technology drunk as well. There was at least one segment where it appeared Wiley was asking AND answering his own questions. Proving, once and for all, that only Ralph Wiley is actually listening to Ralph Wiley. Here’s a suggestion: either do the contrived “show” with SG alone, or don’t do it at all. Wiley just gets in the way. . . Bill Parcells can send thank-you fruit baskets care of: the Indiana Pacers. The “Jap play” comment got lost in the scuttlebutt over Bird’s NBA observations. Silly me, I originally thought Tuna was talking about the Jewish American Princess play where they fake you into thinking they like you, only to wind up with the doctor, the lawyer or the broker. Just once, it’d be nice if they wound up with the wayward writer. Just once is all I ask. . . Remember a bunch of weeks back when the Big Ten’s Mike McComiskey opined that I have gotten much more bitter over the past 10 years? I still just don’t see where on Earth, that assessment comes from. . . Speaking of that power conference, there have been worse violations on My Nephew Jake’s travelling team than the one Obie committed for his big Serb at Ohio State. That said, and knowing what we know about UMass basketball, My Buddy Paulie Brookline wants first dibs on this rumor: “Obie to Amherst”. . . and, accordingly we inferred, Lap to my nephew Jake’s travelling team. . . ESPN’s complete and total overplaying of Bird’s comments was confirmed by the Globe’s one-line news item in yesterday’s Sports Log. I don’t see where Bird “put his foot in his mouth” on this one. He simply said what NBA fans and NBA used-to-be-fans have been saying for years. He’s damn right the league would benefit from superstar whites and that’s not racist, it’s not ignorant and it’s not bigoted. It’s sports business in the 21st century. And I have to say that probably because it was Bird who said it, he was immediately “cut slack,” because, as Magic said: “Larry Bird, you see, can go into any neighborhood. When you say ‘Larry Bird,’ black people know who he is, Hispanics, whites, and they give him the respect. . . Larry Bird was the only guy that was mentioned in the barbershop. . .”. . . Of course now Boston turns it’s lonely eyes to Johnny Damon, the only guy that’s mentioned in the BEAUTY shop. . . On that note, how about My Hingham barber, Steve Spears, offering to trim Pedro’s locks in the Globe’s “Names” column earlier this week? Now the wait will be three hours to get in Steve’s chair. Still worth it, isn’t that right Basketball Bob? Or are you in on some Globe/NESN hair deal with Jayme Parker over on Newbury Street?

The Onset of Hostility
This item doesn’t fit in a real sports category, but it is quite sporting to defend this earnest hamlet of Hull, where I find inspiration, comfort and every now and then, a buck on the beach. Hull, aka Nantasket or Nantasket Beach, of where I speak, was mentioned in passing this week by a one, “Gerladine Pearle, a longtime (Onset) resident and local historian.” The story in which the Pearle offered her wisdom appeared on C12 of Wednesday’s Globe and came in the context of a “Weekend Planner” column espousing the “revival” of Onset. Fine. Typical travel fluff for the summer months. But it was this line, uttered by our hero, Pearle, that I found particularly vexing. It came when she explained Onset’s evolution and its wonderful Victorian preservation: “We’re not Nantucket, but we were never Nantasket,” Pearle is quoted as having said. Why, you wretched little, longtime resident and historian! How dare you? You’re damn town sounds like the beginnings of some horrible, killer disease. “Grampy was fine until the ONSET of. . .” You’re darn right you’re not Nantucket Pearlie Girlie – the islanders use Onset for their garbage, we’d guess. An Onset person slamming a Hullonian? What do you guys go by anyway, Onsetters? Aren’t those the characters in a play – you’ve got your on-setters and your off-setters, right? You’re damn right it’s the Onset – it’s the onset of never visiting you or Kenny’s shady Saltwater Taffy joint. Hey Pearlie, you thought Don’t Mess with Texas was sumpin’? Well don’t you dare mess with Nantasket, Lady. How’s that for history?. . . I feel better now.

Hoops
Did I read correctly where it said Jiri Welsch and ML Carr accepted invitations to represent Team USA in Athens?. . . Walton’s Kid should know better than to help the Lakers do anything beneficial for those phonies’ claim to a real dynasty. . . Once Detroit got nothing on its final regulation possession in Game 2, David Stern should have stepped in and given the TKO-win to Kobe and the Lakers. Made me sick just watching it. . . Now that we’ve got it started with the NBA’s overplayed theme song, can we get it stopped? The true title of that tune, according to someone who would really know something like this, is “Let’s Get Retarded.” Is that the message we’re sending about today’s NBA? Let’s get retarded? Let’s get a conscience.

Black Rubber
Rudy Martzke probably slept through it, but it would be hard to proffer a better prime-time, pressure-on, one-timer question than that of Erin Andrews and this year’s Bourque, Dave Andreychuk. “Is the reality anything like the dream?” she asked Monday night. I whiffed on his answer because I was so mesmerized by her inquiry, her delivery, her poise. It could be love this time, you know. . . This William Davidson who owns the Shock, the Pistons and the ‘Ning seems like maybe he needs a good, personal writer to chronicle his daily movements. Drop me a line, Billy Dee and we can work out something. What? I’m serious.

Rawhide
Just an observation from afar, but “cold weather” cities should really think twice about Pedro. You waste a third of your games if the humidity isn’t at or above 99%. Which leaves in ascending order: Arizona, Texas and the Mexican League. . . RemDawg started pandering to the Sox movie-theater crowd on Tuesday night and I started to wonder why anyone would go to a cineplex to watch a game for five bucks, when you could do the same at The Nines and use the sawbuck for a special 99 big ass beer. . . I love calling The 99, The Nines – brings me back to my Wakefield days as a bellman at the Sheraton. Flatley really should have tried to keep me in the family, don’t you think?. . . Then, the Green Boxers decide that watching the Sox in a movie house is soooooooo important, that they offer an editorial on the subject in yesterday’s edition. Isn’t there a war something they could editorialize on instead of the beered-up morons high-fiving each other in Randolph?

Pokey for Vice President
Following John Kerry’s lead, Pokey will not be campaigning this week for his rightful Vice-Presidential spot. Pokey loved The Gipper, ya know?

Between the Lines of Pages
Explain to me, if you can the out-of-place, out-of-kilter Tommy Lasorda story that ran on the Globe’s Living/Arts Wednesday cover? It appeared that writer Jack Thomas dined with Lasorda for breakfast one spring training morning and he must have just gotten around to transcribing the tape or finding the notes. True, the Dodgers are in town this weekend, but it was an entertainment-page feature, for some reason. There was no visible reason to do anything with Lasorda unless it was Bob Ryan penning the words. If the Globe has all this extra space with nothing worthy of running, Scott’s Shots would gladly offer up some compelling prose at affordable rates. Of course, I’d need office space near Danny Boy. . . Kevin Paul Dupont jumped into the TV box to give a Red Sox pregame, Globie-takes-on-a-pertinent-issue. KDP tried hard but two things were going against him: His reliance on desk-notes instead of a tele-prompter and, more overtly, his wandering from hockey into the territory of Parcells and Bird. Ryan, Jackie Mack and maybe even Shaughnessy could have pulled that one off. KDP needed to stick with a Ray Bourque tribute of some sort. Do what you know. . .
Young Percy the Dog accompanied me to the Hingham boys lacrosse game on Tuesday and it was a true pleasure to catch up with one of the city’s ink-stained best, Jim Clark, the high school editor for the Heraldo. Clarkie has two particular traits that is some times in short supply at large city sports desks: A total lack of ego AND a total commitment to kicking the other guy’s (the Globe’s, in this case) ass day-in and day-out. I’d say that even if he hadn’t been a chief supplier of Rafters-style beer during the days when my checkbook usually looked a whole lot like Crespo’s batting average (sort of like now, in fact). Clarkie also demonstrated a key element in the Yellow Boxers’ schoolboy/girl coverage dominance, when he called Metrowest’s all-everything, Mike Reiss, in order to coordinate coverage for Wednesday’s playoff package. It was almost as beautiful as coach John Todd’s stifling, team-work-predicated, Hingham defense that held on, 7-6, over pesky Milton. . .Lax still attracts the most lovely women – even the players’ mommies are reasonably yummy. Or so it seemed. . .I’ve been Mr. MIAA this week with a Hull High baseball win under my belt from last Saturday against Carver. They tell me it was an ugly break-up when Plymouth and Carver split, similar to the catastrophe it would be if Don and Bosco ever went their separate ways. . . . Someone get me spokesman Paul Wetzel on the phone – the MIAA is losing big bucks letting everyone in for free at these playoff games. I would have paid three bucks or more for each take. Five if there was a 50/50 raffle. But what do I know? I had to look up the spelling for MIAA. . . The Hull Pirates, by the way, face Abington at noon on Saturday for the D3, South title in Braintree. Noon’s a little early for me on the weekend, but I’ll tune in Joe and Troop from the breakfast gazebo. . . They don’t do high school games? Then what was Andy Dominique doing at first on Tuesday night?

Rants and Raves
The whole ESPokerNetwork thing this week was so blatant in its attempt to steer viewers to ABC, that even Percy the Dog refused to watch any Disney Family programming for the entire week. Talk about driving ratings – when your options are Shaq or Moneymaker, even the NBA-haters are going to watch ABC. . .So Matthew Broderick jumped the shark with Ferris, right? He still looks like he needs a good ass-whipping to me. Maybe Sarah Jess gives him one every now and again. . . How does Bill Murray go from “Lost in Translation” to “Garfield?” That’s a good way to have your career get lost in kitty litter. So he’s got that going for him. . . No Ray Charles jokes for a while, okay?

David Scott writes from a seaside shanty on the shores of Hull and can be reached at david@bostonsportsmedia.com

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