By David Scott
BSMW Columnist

The Ponies
Basketball Bob may be bummed at the Smarty “Bummah”, but I’ve got Birdstone Mania on the shores of Nantasket. Screw Smarty – every bandwagon Philly phake came out of the woodwork to hop on the beast’s back. The combination of Philly cheese with New York sleaze made for some of the most disturbing TV images since Abu Grab You. I could have made a mint selling deodorant from the two dollar entrance. Every generic NBC crowd shot had toothless men, next to boozed-up broads, accompanied by hapless offspring. I kept looking for Paris and Nikki to pop up just to make fun of the scumbags. I still don’t know how horse racing goes from the pristine Churchill Downs to the pissed-on Belmont Park over the course of the Triple Crown races. It’d be like starting your vacation on Martha’s Vineyard and finishing it a Bronx gutter. Except the gutter would smell better. On my one trip to the Belmont during a misguided residence in New Jersey, Bo the Dog (may he rest in peace) was so put off by the trashy surroundings, he held his tinkle a full 18 hours. Folks, when a dim-witted (but lovable) dog won’t piss on your parking lot, you know there’s something wrong. . .As overjoyed as I was that we were spared a Philadelphia riot (aka parade) and all the overdone trappings of a Triple Crown winner, the elation was dampened almost immediately when smarmy, smug and smiling Mike Lupica played Forrest Gump during Mike Battaglia’s post-race Nick Zito interview. The Little Lip found NBC’s camera right away from his infield spot and couldn’t resist a glance or two toward his adoring home audience – ie, his own TiVo. Why can’t Ron Borges use his pugilistic prowess on a true New York annoyance? Then Borges’d be hailed as a conquering hero from here to Honolulu.

Rawhide
You know what? NESN’s Krisily Kennedy hasn’t grown on me the way I thought she might. In fact, she’s really starting to annoy me – the only thing missing from her grating, Revere Beach accent is the gum-chomping and the hairspray. . . Which naturally leads to this question? When did NESN trade for Toronto’s Hazel Mae? Is there some sort of Broadcasters’ Babe Exchange Program we don’t know about? Do they offer on-line dating with that program? And, come to think of it, what ever happened to Sam Marchiano? Was that a dream sequence? Sheesh, I thought ABC had a revolving door for female talent, but NESN makes the Disney dolts look like loyal bosses. . .Kids, if you’re going to throw to the plate from first, please, please be sure to avoid the pitcher’s face. Since both men were able to “walk off under their own power,” as Don O explained, it is certainly proper and necessary to marvel at the numerous camera angles which showed the unreal collision between KC’s Ken Harvey and Jason Grimsley. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before in the game of baseball,” said the RemDawg. And we never will again. . . I know I’ve harped on this before, but it’s just too amateurish to overlook. Red Sox Report, which airs on UPN38 on Saturday nights at 10:30, uses the voice-overs of some pre-pubescent middle school boy for its highlight packages. It appears to be an in-house Sox production and if so, someone needs to explain the concept of the “need for professionalism in everything you do” to Dr. Chuck’s troops. Again, it might be a good idea to call the strong>Krafts for some PR/Media guidance. They made all those mistakes years ago and are now at the forefront of organizational sports media operations. Whatever that term might mean.

Sunday Night Shows
Once again, The Sopranos did not have nearly enough whacking to last until its next season’s premiere. Still, it was good TV and nothing can beat the scene where Tony hears AJ might be an event planner - “That’s gay, right?” he asks. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. . . In an interesting bit of fate, the new Athletic Director at AJ’s first (and only) college choice, East Stroudsburg University is a gentleman by the name of Dr. Thomas Gioglio. I’m guessing he’s a pisan who could pull a few strings for Tony, need be, and maybe even get AJ on the Warriors PSAC East Champion football team - as the team’s event planner, perhaps. . . Dan Roche had CBS4’s Sports Final duties in place of Babbling Bob Lobel while NBC7’s Joe Amorosino had in-studio buddy, Danny Boy, who really appeared to love not having to share camera time with human annoyances like Jackie Mack or HowManly. . . Never Miss Wendi Nix took us into Bill Belichick’s library on Xtra, yet again proving she’s the best thing about the show. No offense, Danny Boy. Always professional and low-key Gary Gillis delivered a hockeyhead’s dream piece with some hockey goons, including Lyndon Byers, who will be competing in an August pay-per-view hockey fight rumble (don’t ask). But do give Gillis credit for originality and being able to elicit real answers from thoughtful subjects. Were you paying attention, Joey?. . . Amorosino exploited the young and talented Uri Berenguer from the Sox Spanish Beisbol Network to get a sit down with Pedro Martinez. Amateurino better watch out, Berenguer was much smoother and more engaging. . . Now, not only is there airport terminal background noise on the Xtra set, there are also phones ringing incessantly. Here’s a helpful suggestion – let Joey answer the phones and have Berenguer host the show. As the Guinness guys say: Brilliant! . . . Rochey, in his McDonough-dubbed “throw-up Hawaiian shirt” from Friday’s UPN38 telecast showcased his Curt Schilling interview on Final. Schilling never gives bad byte and seemed to have this message for BK Kim: Good riddance. “You have to want to be taught,” Schilling said of the enigmatic (thanks, SHAQ!) Korean car crash. . . Rochey also brought Larry Lucchino in-studio and Double-L mentioned a “clear the air” meeting that he anticipates with Nomar Garciaparra. . . .Roche was also kind enough to allow the Lowell Sun’s Rob Bradford some time to tout his “Chasing Streinbrenner” tome, which isn’t on the Scott’s Shot’s Summer Reading list as of yet.. . . Chris Collins, who had been boasting of his stellar guests, once again brought in fellow Peabody-ite John Tudor for another NECN visit. It lacked the pizzazz of a couple of weeks back and soft-spoken Bill Burt wasn’t exactly must see-TV either. . . How about this for the famed Scott’s Shots Appearance, Soprano’s Jinx? No sooner do I mention Doogie Howser’s old sidekick, Benny, Tony’s driver – and bingo, he winds up in the hospital. Fortunately Doogie was on-call, so it looks like Benny will make a full recovery. Where was Wanda during all this? (That’s deep, deep, Doogie trivia there – it’s okay if you don’t get it.). . . No, I did not personally watch Doogie Howser. A friend told me about it. . .Johnny Sac was going to have his ace heavy, Ronnie Borges give Benny the beating, but he “was detained in Vegas.”

The Broad Sheet Bully
“Ron Bores Us No More” is the headline here. Finally, the Boring One brings the readers something they can enjoy (even it wasn’t his own work, per se) – Saturday’s Heraldo, gave us a page two “Tale of the Tape: Mike Katz vs. Ron Borges.” Serving as the irresistible eye candy to a fabulous page three “You’ve Got B. Mail” from the semi-resourceful Track Gals, the blow-by-blow of “Katz-Borges I” made for tremendous AM porch reading. . . Young Percy the Dog got such a kick out of the tabloid trash, he offered to manage Borges for an exclusive, three fight deal. The young Lab is promising these blockbusters: Borges-Holley – a loser leaves town (again) match; Borges-Kimball – the cross-town coronation at the FleetCenter!; and Borges-Katz II – a beret and cane match, where the loser must eternally use both. . .I’m thinking Danny Boy might make for a nice sparring partner for Gorgeous Borges – Gentleman Joe Sullivan could oversee the proceedings in the newsroom and NECN can bring it to us live on “Around the Globe” . . . I could go on, but really, how much Borges can you take on a Monday?. . . Okay, one more: if Borges has had cajones at all, he’d move up in weight class and take on KC Star Big Fella, Jason Whitlock.

Hoops
It’s really quite easy to root for the Pistons – just imagine Rip Hamilton is Paul Pierce. If you missed Jim Gray’s pre-Game 1 chat with Shaq, it went something like this:
“Shaq, you can’t hit free throws and you hate Kobe, how do you respond?”
“I hit one out of two. I’m not in charge. And I can spell enigmatic, but I can’t pronounce it. E-N-I-G-M-A-T-I-C.”
“Back to you, Mike “Mumps” Tirico.”. . . Stephen Angry Smith is angriest when the Lakers lose and when Tirico doesn’t give him enough ESPN air time. How about SAS vs. Ron Borges for the Bitter Man world title?

WEEIsolation
So, you guys really have some thoughts on talk radio, eh? After a few choice e-mails, I realized there needed to be a footnote to Friday’s piece on Dennis & Callahan. I won’t drag you through a point-by-point rebuttal to those who called it a “suck-up” or “kiss-ass journalism.” I trust if you’ve been any type of loyal for the past four months, you know I like talk radio about as much as I like tourists in my tiny hamlet of Hull. But a critic, even a “cut-rate” one as a dear, valued reader entered in his “Subject line,” needs to step back from pre-determined prejudices.
I’ll admit, I was a bit surprised how little time I spent in the WEEI studios thinking, “This is really dull and beneath me.” More often, I found humor in the D&C show I sat in on. And that on a day, I bet both gentlemen would admit, was a mostly mediocre show. Still, I could clearly understand why, sitting in traffic or riding the T, a 25-54 year old male would tune into ‘EEI. It’s still not my cup of whiskey, but this is a case where numbers – the ones that determine success and failure – tell more of the story than words. Yes, Howard Stern gets his listeners and others get theirs, but the show I saw, at the station I visited, revealed a duo that is the best at what they do (in this market and maybe beyond).
Lastly, my reference to “yahoos” who were looking for John Dennis’s head during the Metco fall-out, seemed to offend a few (and some weren’t even Yahoo! Employees who are constantly trying to re-define the word). I’ll stand by my original comment from when the incident occurred and argue that Dennis should have been spared (but reprimanded) – which he (and Callahan) were. The comment was All-Time Dumb, but as my Friday piece pointed out, this duo makes good radio and good radio makes good money. There was no way ‘EEI could have continued its market-surge by sending the message to employees (and listeners) that outside pressure would affect inside decisions. Business-wise, it was handled superbly – especially if you believe the mantra that “all publicity is good publicity.” Now, there’s arguably a new segment of listeners who listen purely because they want to hear the next gaff. Because they think that All-Time Dumb can be even dumber next time. It may happen – if not with Dino, than maybe with Fred or Shep or Moe or Curly. It could be any of the “enterformers” who clog the airwaves. The point is, that’s part of the draw of the needle to 850 and that’s why the numbers continue to rise.
There – I’ve talk-radioed, veal-cutletted and amplified that topic to the Nth. Gerry will be proud. I learned well.

Scott’s Shots’ First-Ever Taste Test
Since Philadelphia’s Smarty Hooves couldn’t deliver an historic moment for us, Scott’s Shots is proud to offer up a monumental moment of its own with the LIVE-to-keyboard-pay-per-sip-event-of-a-lifetime. Key pecking with my left hand, my right hand is slowly, at this very moment, twisting off the silver cap on the clear, plastic 32 oz. bottle of Gatorade’s ESPN THE FLAVOR. The cap is OFF! Immediately a sweet bouquet emanates from the red liquid and my olfactory senses are overwhelmed with a combination of Dan Patrick, Stuart Scott and Ron Jaworski. The fruity, sweet beginning offers a dry finish and surely, this drink, would stand up to both beef and seafood. Made up of water, sucrose syrup, citric acid, natural flavors, salt, Linda Cohn’s Pilates sweat, sodium citrate, monopotassium phosphate and red 40, ESPN THE FLAVOR could very well be the finest network flavor on the market today. Although, some who have tried it, tell me Outdoor Channel The Seltzer could give ESPNTF a run for its phosphate, if you catch my meaning. . . At $1.99 per bottle, ESPNTF should at least come with a Suzy Kolber head shot. Or maybe a Kenny Mayne bobblehead keychain?. . . Sources in Bristol have told us Borges is in negotiations to make ESPNTF the Official Flavor of Camp Borges, prior to his next bout. . . CSPAN is also turning 25 this year and it’d be hard to imagine CSPAN THE SNACK hitting 7-Eleven shelves any time soon.

Pokey for Vice President
It’s getting very disturbing that the mainstream media continues to ignore the qualifications and tremendous diversity the Pokester will bring to John Kerry’s ticket. What’s worse, the Sunday New York Times featured a Page 1 story of how so many of the (pretend) contenders have been kissing up to Kerry by traversing the nation and singing his praises. I’m all for party unity and all, but just take a look at what Pokey does day-in and day-out and tell me he’s not the most qualified running mate. You hate to say it, but Pokey just let’s his play do the talking. . . Pokey wants to know if we can get Borges on Team Pokey’s Secret Service detail once that becomes necessary. We told him we could definitely get Katz, but we’d have to look into Rumbling Ron.

Between the Lines of Pages
Sunday’s Globe Magazine was so lame with its “Your Home” edition, that I decided to invest more time in the Arts and Entertainment section. Much to my pleasure, the cultural cats presented a roundtable discussion on pop culture’s portrayal of Catholicism. I’m not usually a fan of religious discussion over the weekend, but this Louise Kennedy-moderated piece featured one of the all-time great UMass Journalism giants, the honorable Ralph Whitehead. Any UMie who was fortunate enough to share class space with Ralph knows exactly what I’m talking about. The guy was doing reality-based programming in the classroom, 15 years before it became a TV trend. I didn’t care what the class title or section was, if Ralph was steering the ship, I was on board. It’s safe to say that I derived more college credit from Ralph alone, than I did from all my other Syracuse and UMass classes COMBINED. Which is why, when someone asks what my degree is in, I still reply: “I got a Bachelor of Whitehead.”. . . Ralph would kick Borges’ ass – in the ring and on the page. . . Confirmation has come down that Jim Baker is doing a column for the Nashua Telegraph. Unfortunately, no one told the Nashua Telegraph’s website. He’s nowhere to be found and I even went to the trouble of typing in “Jim Baker” first and then a cross-reference of “the only guy who could make Bill Griffith seem partway passable.” But, nothing. I can’t imagine they’d make Bakes subscription only, but who knows? They did apparently hire the guy.

Rants and Raves
Here’s hoping Ronald Reagan finds everlasting Jelly Belly jellybeans at his eternal White House. . . This Benza relationship is already a little strange, but what kind of friends does this chick have? And lay off the “Burberry tube top,” you catty wenches – Scott’s Shots is a big fan of ANY kind of tube top – blueberry, raspberry or Frankenberry. . . I thought the only ex-president permitted to “lie in state” was Wild Bill Clinton when asked about Monica. So much for my PoliSci minor.

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David Scott writes from a seaside shanty on the shores of Hull and can be reached at david@bostonsportsmedia.com