By David Scott
BSMW Columnist

Sunday Night Shows
Howard Bryant and Jackie Mack joined Wendi Nix for NBC7’s Sports Xtra and were able to start spreading the blame for the inconsistent Club Pseudo-Turmoil. “Isn’t Theo Epstein partly to blame?” asked Nix. It will be a common theme for ‘EEIners throughout the week, you can be sure. . “Red Sox This Week” had the stat of the weekend (and the season, in fact) with the revealing, if not overused, note that Schilling and Pedro are a combined 27-11 while the rest of the Sox starters sit at 23-29. Period. End of story. Exclamation mark. . . “RSTW” re-used an early-season package from Dennis Eckersley’s first-ever visit to Cooperstown, in anticipation of next week’s Eck Hall of Fame induction. It seemed to mean more this time around, but that could be just me – Mr. Sensitive. And yes, I’m keeping the Mr. Cerebral moniker, even though I’m now Mr. Sensitive too. . . .NECN’s Chris Collins used his North Shore connections for a surprisingly compelling appearance by former big league hurler, Jeff Juden. I always get sucked in by athletes facing the realization that their playing career is over. Juden was (mostly) honest and forthcoming, reporting he’s heading to real estate school (and also claiming he was throwing in the 90s with Baltimore in Spring Training). With a bad back, the “Big Jude” as Collins calls him, Juden, still seems to cling to the hope of resuming his eight-year career in the Bigs. By the way, Juden has aged about a century since the days he was a 1989 Astros’ draft pick. Perhaps he’s playing the old Willy Loman in “Death of a Salesman,” otherwise Juden could use a “Just for Men” endorsement. . . I realize that one could cost me on my next visit back to the No-Sho ‘hood – Juden still looks mean enough to spit steel staples. We kid, JJ, because we care. . . Juden, did however, give a ‘Fuhgeddaboutit’ that had me double-taking in search of the vacationing “Paulie Walnuts” of Tony’s gang. . . “RSTW’s” Steve Burton donned a backwards “B” hat (meant to “Reverse the Curse”) and signed the back of the Monster’s scoreboard during his segment on Jimmy Fund Fantasy Day at Fenway. There’s got to be a rule against signing the game’s most sacred Board if you’ve never caused the actual changing of the numbers. Unless you’re Bruce Springsteen. . . Collins also got Patriot Larry Izzo to admit his second audacious championship ring meant more than the first, mainly because of the winning streak. . . If NECN’s ancient relic Tom Ellis had taken the news toss from legendary Bob Gamere, instead of the rising Collins, it would have been even funnier. Still, when Ellis followed Collins’s tease of his guests for the Sunday night Sports Latenight, with: “As usual, you’re loaded . . .In a good way,” it was still good, unintentional comedy. As of posting time, Ellis was still, despite contrary thoughts, breathing. . .Burton was also at the helm of CBS4’s “Sports Final” with in-studio Heraldos Steve Buckley (half asleep) and Tony Mazz (2/3 asleep). . . On Xtra, Jackie Mack reminded us, in regards to Nomar leaving town, that “Everyone thought Mark Blount was out of here, too.” Good point. . . It’s becoming fashionable to say that Nomar’s staying. So I’m saying it too. Mr. Fashionable/Sensitive/Cerebral, that’s me!

Dimpled Ball/Tour de Lance
Okay, so this Hamilton guy, who used to be on Team U.S. Postal and rode last year with a mangled clavicle (or clangled mavicle), drops out of the Tour de Outdoor Life Network and hops over to Troon where he proceeds to beat Ernie Els for the Maurice Clarett jug? Are those all the particulars as we know them? These fringe sports are killing me. How does anyone keep track of this stuff without taking notes?. . . What the heck is a “firth” and would it be okay to tell prospective wives that I, in fact, live on the Firth of Hull? It sounds soooooo very. . .I drank a firth of tequila on the beach Saturday and had a firth of gas all Sunday. My bad.

Pigskin
Exclusive research from your Home for Exclusive Research, Scott’s Shots, reveals that the Patriots have a long way to go until they korner the market on KK-initialed NFLers, but it’s a strong start with Kurt Kittner joining Kliff Kingsbury at QB. . .Some of the athletes/celebs not currently on the Patriots payroll are: Katty Kay of BBC and Chris Matthews–fame, Cindy Brady’s Kitty Karryall, Krispy Kreme (mmmmmmmm, donuts) and 49er, Kyle Kosier. . . How many times will we call them Kliff Kittner and Kurt Kingsbury before one or the other is cut? That’s once. . . It sure would be nice to see our guy, Mike Reiss’s byline at the top of every Herald, Sunday NFL notes column as it was yesterday. Let Michael Felger-Underwood sew his TV oats with the wifey, and give Reiss the shot he has earned in his stellar stint at the Metrowest Daily News. FelWood clearly has that TV “look” and Reiss deserves the widest audience possible.

Griff Gruff
CN8’s Ed Berliner needs to send Bill Griffith one of those over-priced Legal’s lobster dinners after the praise Griff heaped upon Berliner’s one-year anniversary in Sunday’s Globe. Berliner’s still an enigma to Scott’s Shots – he’s right at the border of edgy and confounding. Between the, ahem, ah, interesting tie selection tan the faux-Conan O’Brien coif, Berliner is sometimes more cartoon than Homer Simpson and Ron Burgundy combined. But say this for Eager Ed – he packs his shows and capitalizes on opportunities to get out into the field, and he grabs access where others either can’t or don’t go. Still, Griff, in classic SporTVoid fashion, made it seem the guy as if he had invented TiVo. Bottom line is, many people still think C Nothing at 8, 9, etc. . . is nothing more than bad community-TV for Philly. Which, with Lou Cannon always hovering, may very well be true. . . NOTE: Philly joke not intended to anger the legions of Scott’s Shots Philly phans who visit our sister site in our brotherly city. On second thought, those visitors can’t read anyway, so what’s the difference?. . . Address all angry comments about any of the above-perceived insults to me, Dan Shaughnasty, c/o Green Box Headquarters, Peoples Republic of Morrissey Boulevard.

Between the Lines of Pages
Nice to see the Globe could afford the extra ink to bump up Gordon Edes’ name to a viewable point-size. It’s still overtly incongruous to have the Sunday Baseball Notes column in a splashier format, while the other notebooks remain in the format of the pre-movable type era. . . What is movable type, anyway?. . .Woody Paige’s farewell to his Denver Post readers on Sunday (denverpost.com, of course) is worth the read. Paige writes – jokingly we hope – that he will be akin to Katie Couric in his new role at Mold Pizza. Paige in a wig and pumps isn’t working for me. He also says he will continue to play “an idiot” on “Around the Horn,” which is unfortunate not so much because he’s a bad idiot, but because the show is a half-inch from intolerable. . .If Paige is how “MP” gets “fresher,” we can probably expect to see Bob Barker doing the Mold Pizza weather with Chocolate Thunder.

Radio Waves
Whether he knows it or not, back in the spring when Charlie Pierce was diggin’ and pickin’ for what turned out to be yesterday’s “SS’ Best Beach Read O’ The Day,” there were more than a few WEEI employees who were weary of talking to the gifted Pierce. They feared what his “angle” for yesterday’s FCC cover piece, featured in Sunday’s Globe Magazine, would be. It all proved to be undue trepidation, as Pierce mainly focused on the peculiar (and political) maneuverings by the FCC since Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl Boobgate Boo-Boo. ‘EEI VP/GM Julie Kahn, gave this pull-quote worthy assessment of who her audience is. (Remember, this is a 45-year-old woman speaking): “. . . we talk to men with what men want to talk about – women, sports, sexual innuendo with women and sports again. It’s part of what we do,” Kahn told Pierce. Simple enough, especially with, as Pierce pointed out, the “Dump” button just a finger-push away. Even the infamous “METCO” incident, that raises the neck hair of more than a few folks in the New Balance building, was lightly, and fairly touched upon in the story’s latter third. Pierce wasn’t out to pick at healing wounds over that unfortunate incident, he was mostly sounding the national trumpet of an ever-evolving revolution in the dissemination of information. It is well worth the read if things like the future of journalism concern you in the least. . .Shame on the Globe for the overly-staged opening spread picture of Kahn next to Denky and Cranky producer of prominence, Steve “Chaatch Bee-yatch” Ciaccio. Give us an artistic shot of Kahn outside the studio and spare Chaatch the indignity of playing background-guy-at-the-board. Nice art work with the “DUMP” button shot, though. So they got that going for them, which is nice.

Rawhide
RemDawg’s “No, No” during the David Ortiz bat toss competition on Friday night’s UPN38 telecast was just priceless. Scott’s Shots, however, was screaming “Yes, Yes.”. . .If Manny and Tito are warring, does this mean there won’t be a Jackson family reunion to raise legal funds for brother Michael? I think I stole that joke from Shaughnasty – if I did, it wasn’t intentional, I assure you. . . I propose that the other Big O sit out the suspension for the REAL Big O, David Ortiz.

DNC-Friendly Sports Talk
For the next two weeks we urge Democratic National Convention attendees to check right here, at Scott’s Shots, for all the pertinent sports-related media information you’ll need to know about our fair city. But first, if any of you see the alluring Wonkette on the floor (so to speak), working for MTV, could you let her know I’ve got a post-DNC reservation set for her and myself at the luxurious Hull Beach Bungalow once (and now) inhabited by, well, me. And young Percy the Dog, of course. Included are eight nights, three days and eternal bliss on the shores of Nantasket. . .If, and this only an if, I were to marry the Wonkette, would we have little Wonk children? Can I even say “Wonk” on the computer?. Pierce, a little clarification if you don’t mind? . . . Okay, DNCers, let’s get started from the top: Pokey Reese should be making that speech on Wednesday night, not Johnny “The Eagle” Edwards and, more importantly, you can save yourselves a lot of time in Beantown if you disregard anything written by the town’s OTHER “DS” – Dan Shaughnasty. He “writes” for the Boston Globe, but he’s a lot like your Al Gore – he keeps giving the people the same, old thing and has no apparent desire to change despite his declining popularity. . .One last thing before Friday’s installment: You tell ole Arnie Schwarzenegger that he best not be floating his “girly man” speech around Provincetown-way – name-calling, no matter how apt, is not tolerated in those parts.

Stump the Schwab
In hopes of actually getting to talk with the legendary ESPNer, Howie Schwab, Scott’s Shots is going on the record and stating unequivocally that ESPN’s new “Stump the Schwab” is the best Friday night programming since Daisy Duke used to wear short-shorts to start the weekend off right in “The Dukes of Hazard.” We’ve known Howie since the early days of ESPN, and we definitely said he always deserved his own show. Now he’s got it, and everything from the STS pudgy man logo, to the retro 76ers jersey Howie wore for the debut, are absolutely, perfectly “Howie.” There is the unfortunate hosting of Stuart Scott, but we refuse to let his tired act ruin Howie’s rightful shot at world wide fame and acclaim. The Schwab: He’s cuter than a Furby and has more trivia knowledge than Gammons. Long Live The Schwab! Long Live The Schwab! Long Live The Schwab! Long Live The Schwab! Long Live The Schwab!

Rants and Raves
Please, we beg of you, get off Courtney Love’s case. She’s just going through a tough stretch – let her be. She’s a good kid, I just know it. . .The Sunday Heraldo’s “On the Upswing” cover story about partner swapping missed the whole point completely: If you put Troop with RemDawg and Don-O with Joe Castiglione, the game takes on an entirely different complexion. . .I swear I saw Staci and Ira, the pictured couple, hanging out at Barefoot Bob’s in Hull. Those two looked like they were about to swing right around on the chaise lounge after the photo shoot for A1 was all done. Dirti, dirti Staci, you naughti, naughti, girl. . .Anyone for some roasted Earnhardt? Only in NASCAR can self-immolation not only be acceptable, but riveting, too.

David Scott writes from a seaside shanty on the shores of Hull and can be reached at david@bostonsportsmedia.com

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