By David Scott
Boston Sports Media

UMass Report
As always, with special “niche” headings, this one comes with the disclaimer that, if you care not about the things UMassian, you are welcome scroll down to the start of the bulleted items. Feel free to roam. . .
Now, with approximately three of you still with us (Thanks, Buck), here is the findings of Scott’s Shots 21-hour Pioneer Valley Caravan from the weekend past:

AMHERST, Mass. – The ‘kids’ were in Finals, but also wise enough to indulge in one of the final Saturday nights of the school year. It led nicely into a Sunday afternoon (1 p.m.) Lax Game of Major Proportion against long-time Gorilla Killa, Syracuse. . . The sight of diligent students way-passed-hammered brought back memories of the Timeout study sessions Shots would hold, reading alongside the Middle East luminary, Ibish Ibishian or whatever that fat lard’s name was. Guy would sit there and read monster-ass books while Suzy from Melrose tried to get inside some athlete’s sweats. Odd reality, that was. . .

Anyway, the Gorman Extravaganza Cookout was well underway in the rear, paved lot of Rafter’s upon our 7 p.m. arrival (a huge building now sits on the lot that used to be home to the Gorman Extravaganza. – They paved paradise and put up a realtor or someshit. Some call that progress.) Percy the Dog called it a “lack of green area. Arf.” . . .Drexel head coach, and still a Pioneer Valley favorite, Bruiser Flint held court with some of the old boosters. (You won’t see Steve Lappas back in Amherst at any time soon, trust us.) Bru had another solid year at Drexel (NIT) and will be part of Phil Martelli’s USA Basketball staff for the Under-21 World Championships this summer in Argentina. (The talent pool of players could be deep, depending on who stays in the Draft.) Also on the staff is Georgia’s Dennis Felton and the opportunity is a fruit of Bru’s labors with USA basketball in the past. Any high level, international coaching experience that a coach can get is major resume-building material and Bru’s looking forward to the opportunity, to say the least. . . Once things wound down behind Rafters (and after Bru saw his favorite Final Four jacket be raffled away from him – “ I loved that thing – I got the pants to match. . .”) the gathering filtered inside the ole barn that really – and sadly – hasn’t changed much in 12 years. Rafter’s was never Shots fave by any stretch, but it did serve a purpose for the struggling Sports Info staffer: coaches willing to buy beers in exchange for more pub for the Crew team. Or women’s soccer. Or co-ed naked lacrosse. . .Speaking of the old times, the athletic department personnel (not the coaches necessarily) has had an almost complete makeover from the end of the Calipari Era. That too is called progress by some, but it also illustrates how unstable things have been in Amherst for quite some time. Among the holdovers we chatted up from Cal’s days include former late-game sub, Jason Germain (now working in Development), former manager, Matt Komer and former trainer, Medfa’s Ron Laham. Laham, as we’ve mentioned before, is a co-owner of one of Western Massachusetts (nearly Vermont’s) finest drinking establishments, the “2nd Street Sports Bar.” in Turners Falls (a stone’s throw from our old Montague roots). Shots was served (but not over-served) by the lovely and capable, Brady, who Hammer Laham had brought in to 2nd Street in is his first recruiting class for the two-year-old establishment. Also offering a full range of services is the manager of 2nd Street, a gentleman UMass fans will remember as Lou the Sign Guy. No longer a sign waver, Big Lou still supports the team, but his main focus appears to be on running TF’s premiere night spot (which includes Fatboyz club). Shots was denied a chance to judge the “Hot Bods Contest” because of the prior controversy where it was learned I got extra rubbing from one of the contestants (Paula Abdul got nothing on me, pal) during my debut as a pseudo-celebrity judge at the bar’s grand re-opening in 2003. Fortunately, Brady was able to keep me company with tales of love and romance. . . oh, no, those were my tales – and they were of woe and heartache. . .Boyden is still a stinkhole, if you were wondering. . . Antonio’s continues to serve up slices the way we like ‘em: hot and creative. The winners during our smorgasbord rampage on Sunday afternoon were ziti/chicken; eggplant and, as always, the potato/bacon. Greatest pizza eva. . .Found on The Hill during the first quarter of Sunday’s game were former UMass student SID, Leigh Torbin (now a dirty scoundrel working for the enemy in Storrs, CT) and the Voice of Tufts Sports, Todd Bloniarz, who was in town to call the Jumbos’ NESCAC Tourney baseball loss at WNEC (against Wesleyan, which features Yankee-for-Life, junior Jeff Maier). Percy the Dog was none to fond of the close quarters and preponderance of trust fund baby, high school Lax players, so we sought different viewing space and wound up roaming the grounds for a bit. . . and reminiscing. . . The Library is still crumbling. The Pond is still gross (right, Percy?). And if the sun shines just the right way, it can still be a pretty campus. I miss the place and I’m not ashamed to admit it. . .Say this for the locals: They’re willing to give Travis Ford the benefit of the doubt. The incomparable Ron Chimelis had a nice Sunday piece in the Springfield Union-News about the certain Calipariness that emanates from Ford. “People have been disconnected,” Ford told Chimelis. “We want to get them reconnected. . . I think John and I both have the same enthusiasm for this. I’ve heard the stories of John delivering pizzas to the students and getting everyone involved. Not only does that type of thing have to be done, I enjoy doing it.” . . . Ford earned praise from the one woman to have served under each of the Minuteman coaches since Ron Gerlufson: Bonnie (Martin) Otto. It should be noted that Bonnie now has her desk back in the spot she liked it, after be relegated to a different (remote) location during the time known as the Lappas Incident. . . The Red Sox, among many others, have shown a keen interest in the flamethrower currently highlighting a very down year for the UMass baseball team. Matt Torra has even been in-person-scouted (more than once) by Theo Epstein, although we’re guessing Theo also squeezed in some time at the old, Old Amherst Ale House - for old times sake. Berkshire Eagle Eye, Howard Herman had this piece on Pride of Pittsfield, MA, Torra, worth the looksie for sure: www.berkshireeagle.com/Stories/0,1413,101~6295~2870934,00.html. . . A hearty Mazel Tov goes out to “DK,” Derek Kellogg, the eternal Minuteman Fave who ties the knot this weekend. We hear DK found love at UMass back in the day and never gave up on it. Shots on the other hand, found love at The U daily, and watched it run away several times.

• ESPN’s Mike Breen has a big game voice and used it effectively during last night’s San Antonio-Seattle tilt that wound up with a monster pass from Manu to Tim Duncan for a monster lay-in to finish off the Sonics.

• I’m dreaming regularly with the Mercury Spokeslady playing prominent parts in various tasks. You can imagine the rest, I suppose. She has yet to be id’d by any of you geniuses, so I continue to call her Mrs. Scott.

• NECN’s Chris Collins had a good “get” with John Ruiz trainer Norman Stone on Monday night (as well as some good legwork last Friday when he got Don King during a “satellite tour” for the pay-per-view Winky Wright fight). However, Collins blatant Giblee’s shill job on his duds was, well, blatant. And who knew Giblee’s still existed? The Baze and myself were always Kaps of Lawrence guys. Then we’d hit Bishops for an après-shopping meal. It was a MAJOR night out back in the day. Little Shots would sleep the whole length of 114 and dream of Katie Murphy in Jordache.

• We’re hearing the same list for Herald cast-offs that My Boss Bruce ran earlier this week. One omission might be outdoors guy, Michael O’Connor, but just how many folks are ever going to notice that vacancy? The biggest loss from the list would be Gus Martins and his soccer insight - Don’t laugh, the soccerheads read too. The intriguing part is to see whether any of the slots are filled with new blood or if the holes are left empty with current staffers forced into more diverse coverage? It’ll be a mess, no matter what.

• ESPN.com’s new Motion cartoon “Off-Mike” takes the Boston Sports Guy’s cartoon’s dumbest elements and dumbs them down to a dumber degree. Not worth the click-through, I assure you. . . And the season premiere of Boston Sports Guy’s cartoon was a waste as well. Something about the Draft being fixed and a hobo representing the Atlanta Hawks for the lottery. Thoroughly un-funny right down to the street-talking white guy now borrowing couch time next to the fat beer swiller.

• Nice to see some Danica Patrick love being shown by the wheelheads – that woman has spunk in spades and Scott’s Shots knew her when. . .

• The Boston Sports Guy apologized this week for his Chat being moved to Insider during last week’s hibernation respite. He also made a veiled complaint about not yet being done with his book and further, vowed not to become a Steve Lobo Rushin-let-me-tell-you-‘bout-my-baby-Guy. Despite, quite obviously, his entrance into that exact stratosphere. Fact is, Rushin writes for an Adult Audience, while BSG writes for a Juvenile Crowd – he has to leave out the gore and torture of sleepless babies. His readers are mostly babies themselves.

• Jerry Brewer, the talented Louisville Courier Journal columnist, offered up a dandy on The Whizzinator last Friday. It’s worth catching if you missed it.

• A Scott’s Shots fave from way back, CBS Sportsline’s Jeff Goodman led the pack on the Craig Smith-returning-to-BC story last weekend. In fact, the Herald’s report of the decision (during the week) even credited Goodman with his direct quotes from Smith. The keeper from Goodman’s ‘get’: “We’re going to be one of the best teams in the ACC,” Smith said. “And one of the personal goals I’ve set is to be player of the year.”

• The “47 @ 47” celebration got off to rousing start last night at Harvard’s gorgeous Sanders Theater. Highlights of the night included Catie Curtis, Loris McKenna and an 83-year-old gospel singer who had more get up and go than most people in the crowd. “Just getting’ ripe,” he said after announcing his age. Indeed. . . Tom Rush’s “No Regrets” done live by Rush himself wasn’t so bad either. . . And Sarah Borges (who, based on talent, we’re guessing isn’t related to Ron) was a pleasant discovery with her sultry, Norah Jonesesque vocals. You laugh at Folk Music when you don’t understand Folk Music. Just ask My Buddy Paulie Brookline – an almost full-fledged convert at this point.

• Bill Griffith’s valid point about the “Get Fuzzy” and Babbling Bob Lobel fiasco is this: More people knew Lobel than Get Fuzzy in these parts until Lobel and his lawyer made a stink about the mostly un-funny funny page strip.

• Dick Enberg has gone and made a play out of the life of college hoops legend Al McGuire, according to this story from the Rocky Mountain News.

It’s gotta be better than that gay baseball play getting too much attention in Boston.

• Shots is headed down to college football land on assignment for the next week, so we’ll have to either skip the next regularly scheduled entry, or kick it old school with a road trip re-cap from Gainesville and beyond. Check back next Friday and we’ll be surprised together. Sound good? Now head on over to my guy, Tilber, and check out the week’s ramblings. The dude’s got chops, I’m tellin’ ya.

David Scott writes from a seaside shanty on the shores of Hull, Mass. and can be reached at shots@bostonsportsmedia.com