(UPDATED WED. AFTERNOON WITH NEWS OF SHOTS BEING BUMPED FROM A NECN APPEARANCE - HUNDREDS REJOICE AND VOW NOT TO THROW BRICKS THROUGH THEIR TVs AS FIRST PROMISED)

It’s the day after the day, after the day I promised myself I would ignore the Theological shenanigans being foist upon you poor, wretched, fickle Red Sox Nation citizens and denizens. Look at yourselves – you all make me sick.

(Whoooo. This is gonna feel good.)

In a 2,422 word press release that likely took every bit of the hours from last Thursday night when Theo’s return was shouted from horseback until its mass emailing just before 6 p.m. last night, the Boston Red Sox let us know this: Their General Manager took a two and a half month vacation, but he’s back now and everything is copasetic.

Headlined, “Theo Epstein rejoins Red Sox as Executive Vice President/General Manager” the release takes great pains to try and say everything it can while not telling us a damn thing. And for those keeping score at home – might as well, the Pats ain’t walking through that door any time soon – the most words uttered came from the guy, Larry Lucchino, who must really running the show while his ultimate boss, John Henry tries to show he really, really can focus on a baseball team at the same time his money management skills are being called into question by – please don’t giggle out loud at this one – the bare bones and basically broke, Boston Herald.

Lucky’s trying to steady the SS Sox, but Henry’s gotta worry about the SS Titanic that are his hedge funds.

Henry gets top billing in the release (but not top word count) with his 566 Theo-related words; TV Tom Werner then gets 73 brief ones of his own, at which time Lucky Lucchino offers up his 626 words (we’re guessing Doc Chuck was responsible for a full 313) and then (STILL not top 2 in the pecking order) Theo Epstein squeezes in 318 (with the 18 of course, being symbolic of my tribesman’s Chai-ness). Ben and Jeddy combine for 406 meaningless words, with Bendi holding an almost 3-to-1 edge (300 words to 106 words), likely due to his wife’s stature on the local media scene.

Lastly, weighing in at 144 words was a “JOINT STATEMENT FROM TOM WERNER, LARRY LUCCHINO and THEO EPSTEIN REGARDING JED HOYER AND BEN CHERINGTON.”
John Henry must not have been comfortable with praising the boys who covered for HIS boy while he was off walking the beach and forgetting Sabermetrics. So Theo and The Trio-Minus-Uno praised the fellas instead. We’ll divide those word in thirds and tack and additional 48 words onto Tom, Larry and Theo’s, leaving us with a final word count of the “Final Word on Theo” at:

Lucky - 674
John Henry Told His Captain – 566
Ben and Jeddy – 406
Gorilla Gus – 366
Doc Chuck – 313
Katie’s Boy Toy – 121

Now would be a good time to ask yourselves this question: How ridiculous is it that Shots just performed a dissection of word counts on a Red Sox release for the purposes of showing what we’ve known all along: Lucky runs the show. Everyone else fights for scraps.

Is it really necessary to lead the local nightly newscasts with news of Theo re-becoming the GM of the Sox? Something we’ve known was in the works for various parts of the past 10 weeks? Is this really “breaking news” at this point? Broken, yes. News, no.

To make Theo a more important story than that of a Hopkinton father who has seemingly fled the country, is to make a mockery of the entire newsgathering and news dispersing operation. It’s nothing short of embarrassing for our city, our society and our children’s eyes.

But embarrassing is something the Sox Spin People are cloaking themselves in these days. What must it feel like to be Sox PR Guy Glenn Geffner these days? Geff always strikes us a pretty composed, considerate and shrewd handler of the press corps. For him to have to sit idly by while a PR circus engulfs him and his team is undoubtedly unfair and borderline inhumane. He and his staff deserve combat pay – and more rubies on their World Series rings.

Ask 10 PR professionals the single biggest error the Red Sox message makers (Doc Chuck, Lucky and Henry) have made this off-season and you will likely get 10 distinctly different, but 10 decidedly valid, instances of awful and laughable media mismanagements by the Fenway Fellas.

Up until Tuesday’s 25 press releases for 25 front office people, our favorite moment had been the “We Never Liked Johnny Damon Anyway” presser. However, considering Lucky has boasted in the Theo release “. . .that we shall be available to answer questions all day tomorrow(Whassup Wednesday). . . ” Shots will withhold judgment until we can see the fruits of Bob Ryan’s labors on this one. Someone needs to rake each and every one of these self-important headline mongers over the proverbial coals – we nominate Basketball Bob – but we’d settle for Hingham Hater Brian McGrory.

Remember, this too, Lucky also proclaimed: “Please ask then whatever questions you may have. Following that, we shall not address this internal office matter publicly. . .I recognize that, in light of the unique nature of professional sports and the unique nature of the Boston Red Sox, our decisions and actions attract much keener interest and more intense scrutiny than do those of other businesses, and, in recent months, we have, to a degree, discussed such issues publicly. Still, I think we have grown a bit weary of all of the conversation about front office intrigue – real and imagined. It has almost taken on a melodramatic soap opera quality. I criticize no one for that development, but we have decided that, to adhere to our primary commitment to our fans, front office personnel issues will remain in the office. . .”

Which is perfect for me – because today’s the day after, the day after, the day after I vowed not to get involved with the “soap opera.” And I’m sticking to that plan.

• SHOTS BUMPED - HUNDREDS REJOICE - One programming note – Shots WAS tentatively scheduled for a return appearance on (outstanding) Jim Braude’s (outstanding) NECN show Wednesday night at 8:30.

Fortunately for the viewing public, the NECNers thought better of it and asked that I not show up in Needham. Instead, Shots will be at the Shanty - alone and far away from the veiwing public. Sorry for the confusion - TV’s a funny business.

David Scott writes from a seaside shanty on the shores of Hull, Mass. and can be reached at shots@bostonsportsmediadotcom